The Golden bachelor

Amidst a world teeming with chaos, The Golden Bachelor emerges as a beacon of hope and romance on the small screen.

Introducing Gerry Turner, the charismatic septuagenarian, embarking on a quest for a second chance at love in The Golden Bach


The long-awaited prophecy of our television forebears has finally materialized. The oceans churn, the forests blaze, and the spotted lantern flies plague the land, yet the divinities have not entirely abandoned us. The Golden Bachelor has ascended.

Gerry (pronounced “Gary”) Turner, a spry 71-year-old, graces the stage. Retired from the restaurant and food distribution industry, he finds solace in the game of pickleball. He spent 43 blissful years married to his high-school sweetheart, Toni. Together, they raised two daughters and welcomed two granddaughters into the world. However, tragedy struck in 2017, mere weeks after Toni’s retirement, when she succumbed to a sudden illness. Gerry is not seeking a replacement for his beloved Toni, for such a feat would be impossible. Instead, he dreams of discovering a “second true love.”

As Gerry recounts the loss of his wife, it is entirely understandable that tears accompany his narrative. In the context of the Bachelor franchise, notorious for pushing the boundaries of emotional expression, witnessing genuine human sorrow is indeed a striking departure. Is this akin to experiencing the bends in the realm of reality television?

The Emergence of The Golden Bachelor

The Golden Bachelor, affectionately known as the Gatch, embodies qualities of handsomeness, sweetness, and an endearing quirkiness. It is with sweaty palms that I cautiously extend my endorsement to this random septuagenarian, whose political leanings remain an enigma to me. Nevertheless, Gerry has already captured a significant portion of my admiration. I implore him not to squander this goodwill, lest I find myself compelled to elucidate the concept of a “milkshake duck.” Such a discourse promises to be arduous for both parties involved.

Introducing the Contestants of The Golden Bachelor

The casting department, in their rendition of The Bachelor with a twist, has outdone themselves. The women participating in this age-appropriate version of Muppet Babies’ reverse role exhibit intelligence, humor, vibrancy, and undeniable beauty. What is truly refreshing is that they embrace their respective ages, spanning from 60 to 75. A remarkable aspect of their interactions is their ceaseless exchange of compliments: “Your hair looks fabulous!” “Those earrings are exquisite!” These women may not have come here with the primary goal of making friends, but they had nothing against the idea.

Let us acquaint ourselves with a few notable aspirants for the title of Mrs. Gatch:

Ellen, 71: Companion of Roberta

“Roberta, we did it!” exclaims one woman as she alights from the limousine. This is Ellen, 71, affectionately known as Roberta’s Companion. Her presence is, in part, an expression of support for her lifelong friend, Roberta (remarkably, not a figment of her imagination but a genuine individual). Roberta, a fervent Bachelor enthusiast, is currently engaged in a valiant battle against cancer.

However, Ellen, with her vivacity and zest for life, offers more than mere camaraderie. She is an enthusiast of golf and pickleball—interestingly, Gerry’s non-romantic predilections. “You have my undivided attention!” Gerry proclaims, and in an interview, she jubilantly declares this day as “the best in her life for so long.” At this point, I find myself surreptitiously wiping away a tear—my foresight regarding hydration could have proven invaluable in anticipation of this emotional episode.

Sandra from Atlanta

Sandra from Atlanta, a personal favorite from the pre-season teasers, does not disappoint. She possesses an endearing charm accentuated by her glasses and a scarlet sheath dress. Moreover, she defies the expectations of being demure, leading Gerry through a calming breathing exercise that involves the therapeutic repetition of a particular word. Her penchant for gentle profanity impressed me, even if it has yet to make a significant impact on the Gatch. (At least, not as of now! If my powers of observation serve me correctly, I spotted a forthcoming Gerry-Sandra romantic moment in the teaser clips at the episode’s conclusion.)

Leslie, 64: The Muse of Prince

Leslie, 64, boasts a remarkable resume as a twice-married choreographer and fitness instructor. She claims not only to have been romantically involved with the legendary Prince but also to have inspired his iconic song, “Sexy Dancer.” Such a dating history is truly unparalleled. Leslie emerges from the limo in a nondescript nightgown, sporting a gray wig and employing a walker equipped with tennis balls on its legs. However, she promptly transforms into a 200 percent more alluring version of the Jessica McClintock bubble dress I donned for my prom in 2006. (This observation is not intended as a critique, especially not of Leslie, who appears radiant. Instead, it may serve as a commentary on my fashion choices at age 16.)

Marina: Grace in a Sari

Marina graces the occasion in a resplendent sari, guided by her daughter’s counsel to affirm Gerry’s coolness.

As someone hailing from the medically, clinically, and concerningly interesting state of New Jersey, I immediately discerned that Theresa, too, shared my geographic origins. Her voice and overall demeanor activated something deep within my DNA. Theresa jubilantly announces her birthday and offers to reveal her “birthday suit.” She proceeds to unveil a flesh-colored tube dress underneath her outer layer. “I didn’t expect that!” she exclaims gleefully. “I have six grandsons!” Theresa, the widow she losing her spouse nine years ago, surprises Gerry with a cupcake topped with two 7-0 candles.

The Gatch takes a bite, and, at his behest, she shares a frosting-sweetened kiss. Under ordinary circumstances, such a display might be deemed revolting, but within the context of this peculiar gathering, it elicits an unexpected sense of endearment. Oh, dear. It appears that I have succumbed to the allure of Gerry. Theresa, too, has joined this peculiar club. For the record, it marks her first kiss in what feels like an eternity, and it leaves her feeling “incredible.”

April: The Unconventional Therapist

April emerges as the closest semblance to a traditional provocateur in the world of The Golden Bachelor. Exuding glamour and a touch of eccentricity, she proudly embraces her status as an “eccentric.” Her grand entrance involves the presentation of a basket of eggs, accompanied by the claim that hers are “still exceptionally fresh.” This ostensibly stems from her upbringing on a chicken farm. However, this gimmick affords her numerous opportunities to engage

in a suggestive, thigh-slapping, chicken-themed dance. (While I harbor no disrespect toward April and her considerable charms, the term “sexy” is employed here with a degree of generosity.) She further surprises Gerry with a calendar adorned with eccentric photographs of herself, each page bearing the simple caption “April.” Curiously, these images align with the themes of each month. For instance, the depiction for October features her donning a witch’s hat against the backdrop of a spooky castle. My appetite for more of April’s eccentricities exceeds what ABC is likely to provide.

For those reading this account without having witnessed the episode, I invite you to engage in a mental exercise. Consider all the information I have imparted thus far. Close your eyes, reflect upon your thoughts, and answer this question: What occupation do you believe April pursues?

Ladies and gentlemen, April is, in fact, a therapist. The prospect of sitting on her therapy couch must surely offer a delightful and bewildering experience. To any of April’s clients, I extend an open invitation to reach out for an interview, regardless of the time or day. I do not believe that therapist-patient confidentiality applies in reverse. (And if you happen to be out of network, perhaps inquire about the possibility of obtaining one of her themed calendars.)

Kathy in the Blue Sequined Gown

Kathy, resplendent in her blue sequined gown, devotes much of her screen time to lamenting the perceived lack of creativity in her limo entrance, a sentiment I can readily empathize with. We acknowledge you, Kathy, and express our gratitude.

Susan: The Kris Jenner Lookalike

Susan bears a striking resemblance to Kris Jenner. At this juncture, it appears that this is her most salient feature.

Faith, 61: The Purveyor of Fun

Faith, 61, identifies herself as a “fun-monger” and arrives on the scene astride a motorcycle. She serenades Gerry with an original (at least, I believe it to be so) song, strumming an acoustic guitar. Her undeniable beauty only serves to augment her appeal. Gerry’s transfixed gaze, his eyes widening like those of a besotted cartoon character, is encapsulated in the peculiar remark, “You’re looking pretty deep right now.” In the given context, this sentence appears to defy logical interpretation.

Nevertheless, it captures the inexpressible, nonsensical nature of utterances that one might find themselves uttering in the presence of someone whose presence induces an inexplicable urge to make physical contact. Unsurprisingly, Faith receives the coveted first impression rose. Their lips meet in a kiss devoid of any confectionary intermediaries.

Have a look at Michael Gambon at 82, passed away who played Dumbledore in the “Harry Potter” Series.

The Journey of The Golden Bachelor

Tonight, Gerry appears to be the happiest man alive—certainly without the aid of any substances, legal or otherwise. He declares that every time the limousine door swung open, it felt like “the best Christmas ever.”

“My life has grown infinitely brighter in the past few hours,” he confides in Jesse Palmer (a personality I had momentarily forgotten; greetings, Jesse, and my apologies for the peculiar gap in my awareness of your existence). Gerry perceives multiple connections with these women, connections enriched by their possession of certain “intangibles” that he seeks—qualities seemingly linked to smiling with their eyes and, of course, physical attractiveness.

Bids and Future Intrigue

All the contestants highlighted above in the golden bachelor successfully navigate the first night. The first rose outside of the “first impression” category is bestowed upon Ellen’s Friend, Roberta’s Friend, Ellen. The final rose, it seems, is reserved for Kirkland Signature Jenner. Regrettably, several participants must bid their farewells tonight. Among them are Peggy, the mother of former (non-Golden) Bachelor Matt James, and Jimmy Kimmel’s witty Aunt Chippy. The latter’s role was primarily to jest about her propensity for dozing off during the early-morning rose ceremony—a function seamlessly aligned with the objectives of Disney-ABC Television Corporate Synergy Fusion™. (Gratitude is extended for her contribution.)

The trailer for upcoming episodes signals choppy waters into the future, with Gerry displaying feelings reminiscent of those he felt when his wife passed away. We shall go through these choppy currents together, despite the fact that the reason for such inner turbulence is still a mystery.

In the interim, I shall savor this narrative with unbridled enthusiasm. I invite you to join me in this indulgence, for there is an abundance to relish.


Q1: Who is Gerry Turner, and why is he participating in The Golden Bachelor?

A1: Gerry Turner is a 71-year-old retiree who tragically lost his wife, Toni, in 2017. He’s participating in The Golden Bachelor in search of a second true love and to honor Toni’s memory.

Q2: Who are some of the notable contestants on The Golden Bachelor?

A2: Some standout contestants include Ellen, who is there to support her friend battling cancer, Sandra from Atlanta, a fun-loving woman with a calming approach, Leslie, who claims to be an ex-lover of Prince, and Faith, a 61-year-old fun-monger who impresses Gerry with an original song in the golden bachelor.

Q3: What is the premise of The Golden Bachelor?

A3: The Golden Bachelor features a group of mature contestants, aged 60 to 75, vying for the heart of Gerry Turner, a 71-year-old bachelor looking for a second chance at love.

Q4: Who received the first impression rose from Gerry?

A4: Faith, a 61-year-old contestant, won the first impression rose from Gerry, and they shared a memorable moment during the premiere.

Q5: What can viewers expect in the upcoming episodes of The Golden Bachelor?

A5: The later-this-season montage at the end of the premiere hints at drama and challenges ahead, with Gerry expressing his emotions about the journey. Viewers can anticipate more heartfelt moments and surprises as the season unfolds in the golden bachelor.

In the realm of The Golden Bachelor, love transcends the constraints of age. Gerry Turner’s pursuit of a second true love promises to be a heartwarming odyssey, replete with laughter, tears, and unforeseen connections. Stay tuned as Gerry and his captivating array of contestants continue their quest for love and companionship in this distinctive reality dating show.

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